Bids and kids

The going rate is 11 cows, 9 if you have a child, 23 if you are an induna's (a chief's) daughter, 33 to 45 if you are a member of the royal lineage, and 121 if you are the king's daughter.  No joke.  Lobola, or the bride price, is serious business here, no matter what socioeconomic class you come from.  Now this isn't some type of bride price where, you know, true love conquers all, and if the man really loves the woman, but can't afford her bride price, then they run away together anyways and elope.  Oh hells no.  That's just disrespectful.  A woman would consider it insulting to be asked to get married without the appropriate lobola.  I've even tried the, "But what if he really loves you and you really love him?!"  "Uh uh, no way.  He must save.  If he really loves you, he will save."  This is a good example of a major component of Zulu culture.  While they are the most kind and caring culture, at the end of the day, it all comes down to money, even with love.  When you make any offer, no matter how kind, it's always "Ooooooh!  How sweet!... How much does it cost?/What is the pay?"  It is a reality of a people and culture that are, and have been for a long time, fighting to survive, living paycheck to paycheck, never sure where the next meal is going to come from.  And even when they are living pretty comfortably now, there is always a part of them that is conscious of money, because it has not been that long in this country that they have even had the opportunity to live comfortably or have financial security.  And many people really still don't have that opportunity.

So, lobola symbolizes many things.  Since wealth is associated so strongly with survival, a man willing to give his to spend his life with a woman clearly is dedicated to her, proving his love.  On the other side of things, a man who can provide that kind of wealth symbolizes the security of being able to provide, giving a better chance at survival, and perhaps a more comfortable life, for a woman and her children.  So, it can be a win-win situation, love and money.  And a woman (and her family) demands it for both these reasons, for the man to prove his devotion as well as to prove that he can bring her security.  I've never met nor heard of a Zulu woman who has been married without a lobola.  Now, if a Zulu man is marrying a woman who is not Zulu (or another tribe that requires lobola), such as a colored woman, lobola is not required.  But if a man from another culture is marrying a Zulu woman, lobola is required.  Tricky tricky.  How I fit into all this business is a story for another time. ;)

Now, lobola is still negotiated in cows, but has been modernized, especially in the urban areas, by then exchanging the cows for cash.  With the standard price at 11 cows, with each cow going for between 8 and 10 thousand rand (each cow is negotiated individually), we are talking a total around 10,000 rands lets say, which is about $1,400, aka a big chunk of change in these parts.
An interesting intricacy of lobola that makes it different than many other bride prices I have heard of is that is pretty much the sole responsibility of the groom, rather than say his family, so it takes a lot of saving.  But, I like how it is the groom's individual responsibility to come up with the money, to prove his independence from his family, that he alone can provide for this woman.  I think that is a solid sign of commitment and maturity.  Getting married is a major investment in a lot of ways.  The families have to also do a lot of gift exchanging, making it expensive for them as well.  This is on top of the engagement ring, etc, etc.  So you have to be sure sure.  We are definitely not messing around. And for some people it is just unaffordable (while for the rich- a small sect, this allows them to afford multiple wives, which is kosher here- the president has five wives- yet also still is unfaithful, but that's a story for another time).  For these reasons, people often do not get married until later in life or do not get married at all.  Here is another barrier to the B ("be faithful") in the ABCs.  I'm not saying the commitment of marriage totally cures men of all their indiscretions discussed in the prior post about dating, but I think it is another motivator.  The lack of marriage and/or consideration of marriage until later encourages a culture of multiple partners, both as a succession of faithful partners or having many at one time, creating a high risk environment for HIV.

Clearly commitment is a major issue here.  They have to have it on some level, but don't really seem to respect it.  Now these relationships they have before marriage are serious and last years, despite the infidelities.  It's unclear to me if either or both partners believe that they will eventually get married, or what exactly they are looking for in these very long term relationships that are often unhealthy, though I believe it all relates back to this need to be in a relationship.  And what adds a level of seriousness to it all is that they have children together.  I mean on some level it makes sense, they are in these long term relationships, years at a time, in early adulthood, prime baby making time, why not have a baby together?  Ok, yes, yes, I know there are a million reasons.  But, I think it works as a way for women to tie their guy down more, claim him as her own, maybe motivate him to stay with her longer, and eventually get married?  For men it is a way to prove their love and commitment to that woman at the time, to make up for all his philandering, to be like, I love you enough to have a baby with you, keep her out of his hair for a bit.  And also, because of the challenges of marriage, children, who are a lot easier to come about than all this marriage business, have become disconnected from marriage, at least in the younger generations.  So, it is not uncommon for men to have many children from different long term relationships.  For example, TK, like I explained in one of my first blog posts, who has two children from one relationship, and two from another, and his wife has one from a previous relationship (I've cleared up some of these details), and now they are married (TK was 30, his wife 27- which yes, is later in life here in Africa), but don't have any children of their own (but are working on it).  I believe TK to be a faithful guy, and believe he is faithful in his current marriage and probably was in his past relationships.  He is a good guy and not to mention super religious.  But he has four children out of wedlock.  This does not make him a slut.  It's the norm.  Most of our co-workers, many in their early to mid 20s, have at least one child but are not married.  And those who are married often have children from previous relationships.  Like most cultures, men can get away with having a few more before settling down than women, probably due tot that whole not having to be pregnant part.  But all decently educated, make a good living, single, and have kids, no big deal.

The challenge is this is how the more recent generations work, while the older generations still believe in the traditional Zulu customs (reference back to the umemulo, a celebration of the viriginity at 21 that the parents believe wholeheartedly in, while the girls actually balk at).  Zulu traditional culture has some things to say about babies out of wedlock.  I'm not 100% clear on the details, but there are a lot of issues surrounding if it is the father or mother's family that claim rights to the baby, and involves money exchanging hands (here we are with the money again).  My general understanding is that if the man wants the child to be raised in his family he must pay the mother's family money for damages more or less (a woman is "worth" less after having children).  More often than not, I see the kids ending up with the mom's family.  I'm not sure if this is due to the men not wanting to pay, or if it is in consideration of the mom to let her keep her baby, or both?  Either way, if the baby is with the mom or dad's family, it is not usually the parent that raises the child, but more the Gogo's (grandmas) and other elders in the family.  So, most of my friends from work who have kids do not live with them and only see them on weekends when they are able to go  home home.   This does include dad's too, who are now being encouraged to remain involved in their children's lives which is awesome.  They seem to keep up a good relationship with their ex's family and even help support the child.  I like.  But, at the same time these are the same guys who are cheating on their girlfriends.  There is this disconnect between how much they care about and how protective they are of their little daughters and then how they treat women in relationships.  Still trying to figure that one out.  Kinda convinced that if I do I'll have the solution to the spread of HIV.

So, there is obviously so much more to talk about, from the consequences of children being raised by their elders and/or single parents, to the money making opportunities of lobola, to me currently winning the white girl's pool of highest lobola offer (woot woot!), but that is enough for now.  Questions, comments please!  I know this is a lot, but once I start I can't stop.  :)  There are so many layers to it and I definitely still don't have it all figured out yet, but sharing all of this helps me organize my thoughts.  Would love to hear yours...